Not feeling like talking today? I can understand that after…yes, I saw it on the news. I do recognise you, yes. The quality was rather good for a camera small enough to hide…OK, let’s not talk about that.
Well, I can understand you may have got a little carried away. Being called ‘lord’ must be a heady business. Especially when she was calling you ‘lord’ while you were snorting cocaine from…oh, they were both calling you ‘lord’? Hm. Heady is the word then.
Oh dear, are you comfortable there? Most people find that if they sit up, they can put their heads in their hands without their shoulders aching.
I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that. If you could just move the palm of your hand away from your mouth…Oh, I understand. Cocaine is fun. Once you’ve got the taste for it, you just keep going back.
No, funnily enough I have heard that before. You’d be surprised how many people who sit where you’re sitting mention cocaine. Oh yes, heroin too. And amphetamines. Look, I’m not sure it’s helping you to list everything you’ve tried. I don’t need to know every detail.
Mundane? From this chair, no one is mundane. Everyone is unique. You, for example, you’re the first chair of a Parliamentary standards committee who’s sat there. I usually have to ask what the problem is. I’ve never known by recognising a face from the News at Ten before.
I didn’t mean it’s something to be proud of exactly. Still, I imagine you need a little pride in something.
I don’t know what you’re going to do, really. I think you have to work that out yourself. I’m not a life coach. I might suggest you start by cutting out the cocaine and apologising to your wife.
If you can find her.
I’m sorry? No. No, I’m afraid we don’t keep any here, it’s hardly an approved medication.
Oh dear. I’m sure you think you need it, but it is what got you into this situation. Well, that and the, er, lady. Pardon me, the ladies.
Would you like a cup of tea?