Foot in Mouth Disease


(Craig Sunter [CC / Flickr])

Let me introduce you to Ivy. She’s one of the kindest people you’ll ever meet. Never says no to anything.

Oh yes, she could speak for herself but, not to put too fine a point on it, it may be better all round if she doesn’t. I want you to like her and – don’t get me wrong here, she’s really a lovely person – but that will be more likely if I do the talking.

Terrible case of foot-in-mouth disease, haven’t you, Ivy?

Only the other day, I took her to a wedding and she’d told them how only an uneducated buffoon would want Britain to remain in the European Union. She has a way with words, does Ivy. Brains as well as kindness. Unfortunately, it didn’t go down too well in a wedding between a Polish groom and a Scottish bride.

We left before the best man’s speech.

We’re working on it, aren’t we, Ivy? Stay off politics, we decided after that.

And she’s been keeping to it. We went to the pub yesterday, and Ivy didn’t mention politics for the whole two hours. She did spend ten minutes telling someone how believing in God was a form of schizophrenia before she noticed his dog collar.

Understanding fellows, vicars.

Tell you what, why don’t I get you a drink, and a lemonade for Ivy. Yes, she does drink wine. Quite the connoisseur, in fact. But those cases I mentioned…that was before she started on the booze.

I think I’ll get a stiff drink myself. I think I’m going to need it.

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Posted in Saturday Hooptedoodle

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